Coping

I'm at McClarens Pub now.  Michaels is out of Coors Lite.

Yeah I'm supposed to be "responsible" and not spend a dime, but fuck that.

Everything on TV reminds me of how fucked I am.  People living normal lives.  What I once had and will never have again.  The cop shows have plenty of homeless people, so they're reminding me of where I'm headed if I don't just check out.

It's not a fucking chemical imbalance.  It is despair.  All I can do to escape it, temporarily, is my little bar/beer/Browns ritual.

I was okay until I smashed up HER truck, and missed all this time.  Now I'm doomed.

And I have no home, or privacy, or control--and the hell with you if you think my drinking some beer is irresponsible.  Can't I fucking have ANYTHING?  Anything at all?

About every other trucker in the USA gets to go HOME sometimes, AND drink some beer sometimes, and put their kids through college and stuff!

I know I'll run out of what little money I have AGAIN, but I'll cash my Pilot points and buy RAMAN NOODLES AGAIN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD and right now don't GIVE A SHIT.

If you don't understand this, you need a brain transplant!  I'm SICK of STRUGGLING just to fucking SUBSIST!  Putting off and stalling bills, swirling ever deeper...

And you know what Korena would tell me if I told her this again, Ed?  She's say I should "borrow from your brother" AGAIN.

You're just one big ATM, bro!  I tell her "I've hit my limit with these guys!  He has to stop this at some point and I don't blame him!"

"But he's family!"  

Oh, but now she knows about BEV, so ok it's HER fault, because YOU would otherwise keep throwing money at me til YOU went broke JFC I can't fathom her!

How 'bout paying for my hotel when the truck is down and paying me a decent wage like you said you would?

No TA or PETRO or even other Volvo dealer for her, even for routine repairs.  No I have to come here to New Castle and I NEVER get kicked out of the truck for less than two days...

That's 50/night for the damn hotel, and I could get the majority of these repairs done on the road without even missing a night!

50/night, often unneccesarily, because she is paranoid about who fixes the truck!

And the people who fix her truck charge her 130/hr for labor and blame my goddamn 12-volt cooler for every electrical problem the truck has! In other words, she SHOULD'NT trust them!!!  She SHOULD trust ME!

See why I'm going nuts?  Try dealing with that for a decade or so!

Screw it I only meant to explain why I say go jump in the lake if you begrudge this homeless perpetually broke plantation slave a few beers at a bar no matter how dire his situation.

I'll blog about the Browns now.