Dammit

I failed.  I couldn't find a strong anchor for my belt so I wedged it between the bathroom door and upper jam.  Looped belt around neck and leaned forward.

Woke up on floor adrenalized, trying to fight somebody.  When I passed out and the belt took all my weight it came loose.  I went face first into the trash can.  Smashed it up.

Tried three more times.  Then Kate texted.  I go for truck Monday and she's paying the bill.  I already know I don't appreciate anything so I'm liberated.  Hard to appreciate people who blame you for everything and treat you like shit.

Anyway I look like I went a few rounds.  Got cool new scar on eyelid.  This one should be visible.  

Ill tell anybody who asks I got it boxing.  It's only a semi-lie because it extends from the old scar.

Still dizzy.  Hope I didn't lose too many iq points.

Anyway I still feel doomed but I'll give it a shot.  I can always hang myself in my cell...I mean her truck if it gets too unbearable.

I'll try my best to hang around long enough to repay you with interest.  Maybe it'll be better than I expect.  Maybe once I'm generating income she'll stop torturing me.

Mac told her 280 bucks so I'll get some money in my pocket.  Enough for maybe watching a playoff game at the bar and to avoid starvation for a couple weeks (no advances.  Slow checks.  Small first check).

Don't look at me like that.  20 fucking bucks jeez like I'm Johnny Manziel or something I spent a grand total of 3.00 the last 2 days for food.  Make my own tea.  I'm in hell don't begrudge me 3-4 tall ones I just almost died 4 times for a reason have some fucking mercy.

Screwed up my ankle.  I'm guessing it's a high sprain.  It's swelling up.  I can't flex it.  Yeah I was really out cold.

Amazing how sudden it is.  I expected to just sort of slide into sleep, but you go out in a blink.

No I didn't subconsciously sabotage it.  There were no available anchors and I couldn't afford a bunny cord.  The damn door wouldn't lock closed.

No I'm not fishing for sympathy or trying to make anybody except Korena feel guilty.

I don't need counseling either.  It's bushido.  I have failed, and see no way to redeem it.  Ain't gonna stick a sword in my guts though.  Man they're badasses ain't they?

Maybe I can redeem it.  Cal ark called and approved me.  Maybe after I pay her back and I'm not under her thumb I'll ask her all the tough questions and either get my taxes done or get my receipts and whatever she's done back and go somewhere else.

I want to go back to Cal Ark bad.  I'd make similar money but the people and facilities and routes are great.  It was fun there.

I hauled calark loads and trailers as an owner-op for Central Hauling.

Maybe there is a glimmer of light, if I can just take out those bushwackers...

It's probable that because I'm now her employee she'll get moving on the books again...and resume charging me 250/week for it.  Since its about assets and not income, I'll remain in non-collection status as long as I don't accrue meaningful savings.  Given my current debts and the need for a laptop and stuff that won't happen for awhile.  Ill be directing some to my ira too...I'm that age see?

It will take awhile to repay you, but at least your bank can remain closed to me.

Yeah, most likely I'll soldier on.  Calark's approval of me really helped my perspective.  Apparently my csa scores didn't dissuade them (and yes she might be lying to me but I doubt it.  No tangible motive except to make me feel bad).

I had expected a rejection, see?  I was terminated from Central three marks on my combined license and DAK report (dak is where companies tell everybody you suck).  They wanted to keep me but their insurance company runs a really tight ship.  I don't blame either of them).

USA is okay but Calark is great.  Yes I definitely see a glimmer.

Hey in case: I know Matt doesn't do taxes but he might know somebody so axe him ok?  I don't have to take on all this extra shit now and when I do it means war with Korena, and by now I suspect that even you are beginning to understand the "why"'s of this.

And don't be like them and remind me of all that stuff I already know like I should have filed so it's my fault and I shouldn't have trusted her blah blah it's insulting.  I have my weaknesses but they're psychological, not mental.

Just in case:  I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING BOTH OF YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME.  I AM SORRY I HAD TO DRAG YOU DOWN WITH ME.  THANK YOU.  I MEAN IT.  YES I DO.  NO REALLY.  I DO TOO!  HONEST!

Most of all, thank you for not kicking me when I was down, or telling me I'm an asshole, or calling me a liar.

If anybody else ever reads this, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.