I See No Light

I've estimated that Korena and Kate might spend a thousand bucks to avoid loaning me 300.00 for a rental car.

I've gone from being a person to being property.  No smoking/cooking.  Weekly I said WEEKLY truck inspections (waiting in line, wasting time...totally unnecessary overkill in response to a bunch of BULLSHIT on my CSA record.)

One restriction and obligation after another.  I'm not going to be a company driver.  I'm going to jail.

I wish you would understand: I owe her a lot of money.  I paid her around 5,000.00 to do my books so that I COULD file my taxes, but started getting hammered and couldn't pay anymore.  She put me in non-collection status.  She has all my receipts.  She hasn't asked for any for the last year.  It's suspended.  I can't pay for the bookkeeping.

She owns me.  I am property.  To get the forms filled out the complicated books have to get done and it's grunt work and is expensive no matter who does it.

Once I am up and rolling, I'll have to start paying for that again.  Then I'll have to pay her father in law the CPA to do the filing.  

So even after I've repaid Korena what I owe her, I'll have to KEEP paying for all that.

No cooking.  They're afraid of stains in the truck.  I'm waiting for her to forbid tea-drinking or eating.  My God no company trucker in the world has to live like that.  Cameras on the truck.  Probably IN the truck.  I have an inverter.  I already know she won't let me install it.  So why bother even trying to scrape up enough for a laptop?

Zero retirement.  I'm 58.  

Sure, my fault for not filing, my fault for obligating myself to her, but now I'm a fly in the web.  I don't see where I'll ever have so much as a laptop of my own again, and even if the tax matter is resolved in the next couple years, I'll pay top dollar for the whole thing and "should be grateful".

I AM grateful to her, mostly, but know she's got access to money for emergencies, and she and Kate might just leave me out in the cold, literally, in order to make themselves and two drivers miserable to save ten percent of my last repair bill.

Well, I hate even thinking about that.  It means I'm out of rope.  I owe you guys all that money.  But I just can't take this anymore, man!  I'm in hell.  No...I mean it: I'm in hell.  You can't fully understand how this feels.

Maybe it will be okay.  IF I can get in that truck, I can adapt and dig for awhile and get this tax crap cleared up.  Ill be sixty by then, but I can get the hell away from my OWNER and have a laptop and live like a human being again.  I won't try to get another truck of my own until I'm square with you guys, but by then my scores should be good and I can file simple taxes as an employee with a carrier that will let me power a laptop and not act like Big Brother.

But maybe not.  Maybe they let me hang.

Well, I'm sorry.  I blame myself, but also Korena and Kate.  They're not reasonable, and a little insane.  Only us.

You and G have been saints.   What is it for you now, 9,300.00?  All the bullshit I've dragged you through.  How blessed I was.  How shitty I feel.  

But look: I'm not going to freeze to death.  I'm not going to let the girls torture me any more over staying ALIVE.  I'm all done doing that dance.  I can't take any more of it.

My laptop is at Best Buy just west of the Ohio border near i-70 in Indiana.  They couldn't fix it but I guess data can be recovered.

It's now Tuesday.  I haven't slept.  Could you sleep?  I'm obsessing on the Browns, blogging my ass off trying for normalcy and distraction.  The paperwork was supposed to have been faxed yesterday.  No word.  My rent runs out noon tomorrow.  I've hoarded enough for hot dogs, peanuts, and rent for two more days.  Friday is D-day.  If I'm not gone by then, or they won't cover my rent, I'm done.

I can't.  I just can't.  Maybe you can use them.